A Daily Round up of Formula One news, inside whispers, opinion and comment. Today,
The silence of Mick Junior
Imagine you are the son of a Formula One world champion and all the world looks at you, expecting you to repeat the feat. Michael Andretti, Damon Hill, Nico Rosberg, Nelson Piquet jr, Gary and David Brabham have all been there, tried that and went home with a lousy tee shirt, except for Damon Hill, who actually pulled it off. Although it needs to be said, that the red-haired bastard child of Jean-Deniz Deletraz and and the Fedchenko Glacier in Tajikistan would have pulled it off just as well in the 1996 Williams.
And now imagine your dad has won the title seven times. Of course a big name opens doors, but can equally become a millstone around your neck, if dad’s trophy cabinet rivals the precious metal reserves of a third world country.
A 16 years young chap called Michael Schumacher Junior, racing under the pseudonym – Mick Junior, entered the 2014 German, European and World Junior Karting championships. He came second in each.
This year, Mick has stepped up to open wheel racing cars and is tackling the German Formula-4 season for Ammersfort racing. F4 is the spiritual successor to Formula BMW. No less than eighteen teams and a mind boggling forty-two cars have been registered for series’ the inaugural season.
Those bottom-rung entry-level series normally run in front of a four digit audience. Back in the day when this championship was still called Formula-BMW, I met a guy called Vettel right there in the pit lane and I had time to talk to him because only perhaps twenty people bothered with the pitwalk. For the pre-season test of Michael Schumacher’s first-born – no less than one-hundred journalists applied for accreditation.
Having been mentored by Big Schu for most of his career, Vettel is quietly acting as a racing guardian for Mick Junior together with Michael’s long-time confidant and spokesperson Sabine Kehm. She made it clear, Mick Jr. would not be available for the press.
Jeebus Christ on a Pogo stick – 100 hacks for a junior winter test. Now that’s putting pressure on a kid!
And on this alluring Teutonic bombshell…
Since F1 these days is a wee bit depressing, we have another bit of entirely non-F1 related news.
Fans of the great British philosopher Jeremias Clarksonius, who was recently sacked by the BBC for sociopathic and physiological tendencies similar to those of a Fat Hippo, will remember that the pompous self-confessed petrol head from her Majesty’s empire was more than once put in his place by a female called Sabine Schmitz.
This female German racing driver made several guest appearances on Top Gear, her most infamous to put Clarksonius well and truly in his place. Visibly elated by his lap time of 9:59 – bridge-to-gantry on the notorious Nordschleife – in diesel-powered Jaguar S-Type, Jezza quickly realised he was rather a big girl’s blouse as the local-born lady Schmitz not only thrashed his time by forty-two seconds in the same car BUT several months later finished only nine seconds slower in a bog-standard Ford Transit van.
Schmitz, who by her own estimation has lapped the famed Nürburgring Nordschleife about 30,000 times, which is about the same as going to Vulcan, doing a few hooligan laps around Mount Seleya and driving back, has been contracted to drive a Chevrolet Cruze for the Münnich-team in this year’s WTCC season highlight – a race on the Nordschleife. Those guys better watch out, because the lady will be a tough nut to crack.
Schmitz is a two-time winner of the Nordschleife 24h race.
Lewis Hamilton’s new contract, coming really soon, no seriously, man…
Thou shalt be suspicious if your new contract is written in pixie dust on unicorn skin.
The unruly crowd in the TJ13 towers once staged a drinking game over Lewis Hamilton’s contract negotiations, but we had to abandon it when the staggering Hippo had trampled most of the furniture into firewood, the Grumpy Jackal started bellowing the Italian anthem at a volume normally reserved for starting jet air planes and our inebriated project manager shot everything that looked like two lions, including, but not limited to the judge’s prized dog, which once came 47th at Crufts.
We are unsure about the number of times the sealed deal was announced to be ‘really done soon’, but since the Hippo has stacked up an empty beer bottle for every time it has been announced, we can tell it was often, since he has christened his artwork ‘Olympus Mons’.
After ditching his previous – frankly quite inept – management team, the champion says he negotiates the new deal himself. It does not look like a most fortuitous endeavour though as just days after announcing that the deal was 99.6% done and ‘going to be announced really soon’ now, he suddenly expresses a slight doubt.
“I think it is unlikely,” Hamilton told Sky Sports News HQ when asked if his contract would be signed this weekend.
“Obviously at the last race I said it would be done within a week, this is my first time negotiating myself and you don’t know how many times I’ve had to read about 80 pages – it is so much reading and it is all in lawyer jargon. So it has been a quite a pain in the backside to be honest.”
Hint Lewis. Look for something in those 80 pages that reads vaguely like that: “Fahr für’n Appel und ‘n Ei oder mach die Fliege.”
It’s German for ‘Take it or leave it.’ Call 0800-456-I-RAN, ask for Seb.
Fat Hippo’s Rant Lite: F1 is heading towards collapse
Disclaimer: The views expressed in Fat Hippo’s Rants are those of the contributor and not those held by TJ13.
Adolf Max Mosley, the man, who once colluded with an ageing ghetto musician called MC Bern-E or something to defraud F1 of insane amounts of money, is mightily concerned about the state of affairs concerning the product he failed to kill many moons ago. ‘It’s about to die’, Max says.
“If everything is in one pair of hands then I think you have a problem,” he said. “I don’t know what’s in the arrangements which have been made but my understanding is that Bernie together with the teams can outvote the FIA. I might be wrong about that and shouldn’t really speculate but I get the impression the FIA is not perhaps in as strong a position as it used to be.” (translation: *belch*)
The problem that Adolf Max is facing is that FIA is run by a Frenchman who surrendered last night to a nudibranch that randomly happened to obstruct his way back to the gated community and F1 is owned by a senile old man whose mental capacity is exhausted at hearing the sound of someone saying ‘money’. He may dribble a bit, but he just about gets it.
Now one could understand that the good Sir Max would prefer all contracts sent through a chimney be ripped up, if it wasn’t for the fact that he was a colluding party in selling off the F1 crown jewels to Bernards’ Imperium for one-hundred eleventy years at the price of an apple, an egg and half a dozen east European hookers in Wehrmacht costumes.
Do us a favor, Max. Just shut up. Let F1 die and we’ll rebuild it when old geezers like you are no more. Thank you.