#F1 Days of Our Lives: Robbers and Sabotage at ‘Turn 4’

Matt LeBlanc was briefly considered for a role by Zak Dinglewhite (our excitable US TV Network producer who sold the script to ‘Friends’ for $20,000), but having researched womanising in F1, particular the history of James Hunt, Zak felt LeBlanc didn’t cut it and would be considered lightweight with the ladies. Zak is at present attempting to get court approval for Hugh Hefner to be exhumed.

This is a live run through of the script, and big F1 fan – Rowan Atkinson – is reading the part of Martin Whitmarsh. Charlie is read by Christopher Lloyd, previously famed for his portrayal of  Dr. Emmett Lathrop Brown PhD.

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

F1 Days of our Lives

Brought to you by TJ13 Courtroom Drama and Gossip columnist: Mattpt55
Edited and revised by TJ13 Editor in Chief

Days of our F1 Lives:Season 1, Episode 5

Fade In

Exterior MTC, cut to interior shot of Martin Whitmarsh storming down immaculate steps to Computer lab…

Whitmarsh: …and where are those figures?! FP1 for our home GP is hours away and we need to know what twiddly bits to screw onto the ca….. (notices computer screen of nearest bright young thing [BYT] features mock up of McLaren P1 advert)

Whitmarsh: What is that doing on your screen? What happened to the CFD analysis you were working up?

BYT: Well, ummm, sir, er, you see,  it’s like this, um Mr. Dennis sir, he, well he uhh, asked for some computer help and , well, seeing as he’s Chairman and all that, well uhh.. (BYT falls silent, embarrassed and awkward)

Whitmarsh (looking round, sees Twitter open on the screen of  BYT 2): TWITTER,  I thought you were on the tyre anlaysis and simulation!?!!

BYT 2 (clearly uncomfortable ): Well sir, you see…

Whitmarsh (interrupting): Mr Dennis I suppose?

BYT 2: Well yes sir, he urm said he needed a bit of help with the old social media thing and well umm…

Whitmarsh (perplexed): Do they not have any computers of their own?

BYT 2: Umm…Well.. that is to say…umm.. I heard something about angry investors from the middle east riding in with sabres drawn and repossessing equipment. Very angry sooo….

Whitmarsh (quickly glances around to see if anything is missing. He sees the office chairs are now covered in neatly stapled trash bags): Good Lord, what has happened to all the chairs? Was there some kind of spill?

BYT: Ohh that…yes well, bit of a problem with the leather. The men with tea towels and very big sabres demanded the leather be returned too.

Whitmarsh: (Thinking fast now. ‘Technically I run this operation so I need to speak to the drivers so we can try and fix this pig of a car’. Shouts): Jenson, Checo!!

Jenson rushes down stairs still in girlfriend’s tight fitting triathlon kit. Checo is right behind him. As Jenson reaches the bottom of the stairs, Checo tries to slip past Jenson and just catches the back of his knee causing him to crumple to the floor.

Jenson (auto pilot mode): Guy’s, please tell him to…

Whitmarsh (burying face in hands, recovers and stares at Button): OK Jense, talk to me, what can we do to sort the car?

Jenson (getting up): Well, umm, it’s a bit to ummm (seizing on an idea) Centurion-like.

Whitmarsh (puzzled): What did you say?

Button (speaking slowly); Cen—tur—ion—Like!

Whitmarsh: Yes, that’s what I thought you said. It doesn’t make sense though.  (worried) I really thought you’d lost it last year but then after Canada you rediscovered your speed with the engineers and they all said you were really good with set up…. (sighs heavily). So I’ve bet ‘Whitmarsh Towers’ on you

Jenson (looking slightly guilty) : Oh, ummm that. That was actually mostly Lewis, he hid his mobile in the car and was tweeting me his set up while he was driving….(rambling now)  cos we are mates and have great respect and all that. (Thoughfully) In fact he still texts me today and tells me stuff which I’ve been relaying to our engineers…..

Whitmarsh (groaning): You do realize he doesn’t actually drive for us anymore.

Jenson: Yeah, (Light goes on) I’m beginning to think that might be why nothing’s working.

Whitmarsh (Desperately pleading): What about you Checo? Whay are your thoughts on how we can improve the car?

Perez: (from him erupts an incredibly long, angry sounding and thoroughly unintelligible wave of Mexican speak. He concludes with): “¡Ándele! ¡Ándele! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba! ¡Epa! ¡Epa! ¡Epa! Yeehaw!”

Whitmarsh (to BYT 2): I don’t suppose you can……?

BYT 2: Very Little but I thought I caught Mucho and Dinero and Vamanos and Rapido. Don’t suppose that’s much help though, when you come right down to it.

Whitmarsh (whispering to self): One Day

(We fade into a dream sequence of Whitmarsh presiding over retirement of Dennis and sitting down to a desk full of Constructor’s trophies)…One Day!!!

Cut to the TV………………..

T news channel is on and trailing ticker tape which says … Breaking News….. An F1 reporter is speaking excitedly and describing a conversation overheard in race control. The dialogue he is describing is between unamed Red Bull staff and Charlie Whiting. Apparently late Saturday Night a number of team personnel were at the garage (relax, eagle eyed viewers, they swear they weren’t working on the car, just having an epic bash, a fact which our remarkably hungover correspondent affirms).

Whiting: What happened?

RB staff (mumbling): Umm… OK, so we had this bash, we were pretty deep in our cups, and we decided that the best thing for it was to have a race

Whiting (incredulous): Race?!! In the cars?!!

RB staff: Relax, Charlie, we were way too far gone for that, so we decided to use the bikes instead. By the way, in the future you might not want to leave the keys in the medical and safety cars. Oh, and tell Bernd we’re sorry about the beer we spilled in the backseat and the vomit too, we’ll pay to get it detailed.

Whiting (exasperated): Get to the point, please.

RB staff: Anyway, most of us didn’t make it out of the pitlane, but one of our mechanics did and he swears he saw something around turn 4. We all thought he was having us on but after today…

Whiting (eyes as wide as a Koala Bear): AND?????

Unfortunately Less Drunk Last Night RB Staff Member: Well, it looked for all the world like 2 men with an angle grinder near the kerb round the back of Turn 4. One of them was very oddly shaped, rotund and with the pointiest head I’ve ever seen. He was wearing all black, but his clothes fit him oddly, weird bulges, and he had the whitest hands I’d ever seen, almost like a ghost. The other was also all in black, but he was really short.

Whiting (Interrogating): Anything else?

Unfortunate RB staff member (confused): Yeah, one more thing, I’d swear they were speaking French… and the little one was shouting “J’adore le plan…” and cackling like a mad man

Fade out and pan to Lewis Motorhome. It’s all so shocking….

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