#F1 Days of our lives: “Romain demonstrates ultimate precision”

Unemployed Japanese ex F1 driver Taki Inoue who was retained during the production of episode 3 is again unemployed and has been ‘released’ from his role as ‘advisor on reality’. Such is Zak’s confidence (yes you are correct, previously our US Network TV producer didn’t have a name) that he has grasped this F1 malarky that he feels ha has a grasp on what is required to direct the script.

This is a live run through of the script, though no actor with a sufficiently realistically French accent has been located. Recently jettisoned from another US comedy series half way through season 1, Matt LeBlanc has been hanging around the studio for a few days – so he gets to read the part of Boullier – for now.

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

F1 Days of our Lives

Brought to you by TJ13 Courtroom Drama and Gossip columnist: Mattpt55
Edited and revised by TJ13 Editor in Chief

Days of our F1 Lives:Season 1, Episode 4

Cut to interior Lotus Motor Home, on the Thursday night before the Montrreal weekend. The walls are bare, but there is a surprising collection of ceramics on shelves, along with some elegant floral displays in vases. Eric Boullier, wearing a green visor, sits by a banker’s lamp, poring over figures of columns.

He shakes his head, rubs his eyes and pinches his nose and heads to the refrigerator. Upon opening the door, he is greeted by the forlorn sight of one olive, half a mouldy sandwich, and a single leaf of wilted lettuce, brown around the edges.

Boulier: (mutters to himself) Times are tough. It wasn’t like this when we were testing in Barcelona a few months back (Visions of meatball sub sandwiches appear above his head. LeBlanc remembers a scene in ‘Friends’s where Joey was asked if he would give up sex or food and had great difficulty in deciding. Joey kept repeating, ‘sex or food… sec or food’, and eventually in a Eureka moment yelled…. “I want girls on bread!”).

A knock at the door sends him scurrying back to his desk, he hastily grabs his spreadsheets of numbers and shoves them into a drawer. Just as he slams it shut, the door opens and in comes Romain Grosjean

Boullier: How YOU doing (LeBlanc ad libs – before a wicked stare from the producer forces him back to the script) Come in Romain, sit. We need to have a chat before you go out for FP1 tomorrow

Grosjean: (immediately launches into the room shrieking, performing martial art-esque spinning kicks and jabs – all of which come closer and closer to the valuable artworks. Yet such is the precision of his routine, not a single one falls. He winds up with an epic combination of moves that result with him delivering a single punch which halts microns from the largest, and obviously most expensive piece. It vibrates gently, but remains standing)

Grosjean (eager and puppy like): Oh..oh…..these are nice. Where did they come from?

Boullier: Don’t know really, CVC arranged it with a local museum to spruce the place up . Be careful, we couldn’t aff…err, couldn’t find anyone to insure them at the last minute.

Grosjean (still holding his pose): So you want to talk about Monaco? I know I was bad, but I’ve already been hard at work. (inanely grinning) You see!!! I have already made much improvement already!!

Boullier: (Speechless, yet almost impressed) I see Romy my boy… now come sit and …

Grosjean (drops the pose, turns and in so doing trips over own feet. He catches the shelf with one of his elbows dislodging the masterpiece tumbles slowly and shatters into a million pieces on the floor. However, this is not the end of the matter, he has set into motion a Rube Goldbergian catastrophe which ultimately results in unfortunate destruction of all the priceless works).

Boullier (wincing): Ahh…

Grosjean (springing up): No Worries, I’ll..

Boullier (finishing his sentence for him): …pay for it out of your paycheck, yes. (sighs deeply)

Grosjean (stammering a bit): so then uhh…

Boullier (buries face in hands): yes that will be all

Grosjean (exits with exaggerated caution, akin to a Pink Panther stalk)

Boullier (picks up the phone): Get me  Mark Slade….Yes, operation Training Wheels is on, detune the engine so he can’t break any more cars until we find some new sponsors.

Boullier (to self): how can it be this hard to find sponsors when we are so successful??!

Just then a loud crash out back causes him to run to the window

Out the back window he sees Kimi Raikkonen faceplanted, but miraculously holding aloft a bottle of vodka out of which not one drop is spilled, as he watches, a gaggle of attractive women help Kimi to his feet and he staggers off, laughing into the night.

Boullier: (on phone again): Get me Ciaron, … Yes, make sure you short fuel the ‘iceman’ for the race, we can’t afford for him to finish any higher than 9th, until we get our next check from Genii or pick up a new sponsor

Suddenly, a lightbulb goes off over his head. As the scene fades we see Boullier feverishly typing the words Russian Vodka and Sochi into Google and punching up the marketing department on his phone.

Fade In

Deep in an Underground Bunker, with lots of Blinky lights and complicated looking machines, we see Ross Brawn  idly inspecting the extremely high end goods on offer,  Christian Horner looking ill at ease, foot ticking over 17k RPM’s and Stefano Domenicali carefully inspecting his shoes.

In another corner we see the big boys, Mateschitz, Zetsche, and di Montezemolo. Adjacent, but standing by himself in a corner looking thoroughly overdressed and uncomfortable is Jean Todt.

Finally, we pan left and see an  awkward looking Marco Tronchetti Provero and Paul Hembery, both doing decent interpretations of furniture.  In the background, workers dressed like evil minions from a ‘60’s Bond Films go about their business.

Suddenly, a wall that appears to be just a wall, adorned with an oil painting depicting the battle of Waterloo – ceases to be so. The oil painting slides upward to reveal a large vault like door… which slowly begins to open. Everyone stops what they are doing and heads turn……

To Be Continued

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