MUSINGS FROM THE TJ13 NOTEBOOK – Mercedes proposes new F1 calendar featuring Greenland, Alaska and your freezer drawer? It’s official; Toto Wolff has found the answer to Mercedes’ ongoing Formula 1 struggles. And no, it’s neither a radical redesign of the floor nor a groundbreaking simulator breakthrough. It’s Greenland. Or maybe Alaska. Or even your nan’s garage, if the thermostat is set low enough.
While McLaren is pulling ahead and Mercedes continues to struggle, Wolff has started suggesting that climate-based circuit scheduling is the only logical solution.
New Tyre Philosophy
With nine of the 24 races in the 2025 season completed, Mercedes is sitting in third place in the Constructors’ standings. They are clinging to Ferrari’s rear wing like a half-inflated balloon, yet are still somehow ahead of Red Bull, who are performing a modern re-enactment of the Hindenburg disaster.
Yet Toto Wolff’s main takeaway from this underwhelming first act? They’re great when the ambient temperature matches that of a penguin’s breakfast.
“In Las Vegas, where you need a winter jacket just to walk to the grid, we were super-fast,” Wolff explained, grinning in the direction of “ORF” expert Alexander Wurz.
“So we need to build some race tracks in Greenland and Alaska.”
Formula 1 CEO Stefano Domenicali has yet to comment on the idea, but sources suggest he has already purchased a snow shovel and a large parka.
It’s worth noting that Wurz has been a Wolff companion from the very beginning, working as a consultant for Williams when Wolff held his first position in the management of a Formula 1 team, so tongue-in-check banter is par for the course.
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Engineering the Cold Shoulder
The true brilliance of Wolff’s plan lies in Mercedes’ unique talent: their car only works in conditions associated with cancelled flights and frostbite. According to Wolff, the team’s problem isn’t aerodynamics, engine performance, or those pesky updates that never quite ‘unlock the potential’. No, the W16’s real nemesis is the sun.
“When it’s hot, we’re toast,” Wolff said, though not literally, as his engineers haven’t yet managed to turn the W16 into a bread warmer.
‘The rear tyres overheat as if they’re auditioning for Hell’s Kitchen. But put us somewhere cold, and suddenly, we’re the Ice Kings.”
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Rumour has it that Mercedes’ Brackley HQ is installing artificial snow generators and replacing their wind tunnel with a walk-in freezer. Simulator sessions will take place exclusively while wearing thermal underwear and gloves. One engineer was reportedly seen programming setup data with icicles hanging from his eyebrows.
Long-time Wolff ally Alexander Wurz, who now moonlights as a racetrack architect and part-time sledge designer, has also joined the project.
“Building circuits in Greenland is just a question of money,” he said, seemingly unaware that Formula 1 already spends half its GDP on shipping things to places without running water — let alone tyre warmers.
He went one step further: “Why not launch a winter series? We’d win that hands down!”
The GPDA has not issued a formal statement, but several drivers were seen frantically searching online for “thermal racing balaclavas” and “can carbon fibre freeze?”.
Triple Header Horror Show
The Imola–Monaco–Barcelona triple-header will not feature in Mercedes’ 2025 highlight reel. In fact, it might be burned and buried in a remote corner of Lapland if Wolff gets his way.
Russell managed a decent fourth place in Barcelona, which is now being treated like a win back at base. Monaco yielded zero points, and in Imola, Antonelli’s engine made a loud, smoky, ultimately fatal impression, much like a 1990s desktop PC.
During those three races, even the Racing Bulls managed to outscore Mercedes, causing internal panic and rumours that the team might rebrand as the Mercedes Snow Leopards in an attempt to perform better in cold weather.
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We don’t know why, but trust us
Despite having an army of engineers and scientists — not to mention someone with a PhD in kettle management — Mercedes still don’t know why their car behaves the way it does.
“It’s something in the car’s DNA,” Wolff mused, probably while staring into a Petri dish.
“Even with all our tech, sometimes it’s just… vibes.”
He added that even McLaren themselves may not understand why they’re so fast — a statement that no doubt made McLaren engineers spit their tea across their carbon fibre laptops.
“It’s the small details, the marginal gains,” said Wolff wistfully, like a man remembering a love lost in 2016.
Technical issues? We’ve got a bumper crop!
On top of the tyres that are prone to causing heat stroke, Mercedes have recently developed a flair for electronic mystery plays. In Monaco, George Russell’s car cosplayed a Tesla with a low battery, shutting down the petrol engine and coasting through the tunnel on electricity alone.
Meanwhile, Aston Martin’s Fernando Alonso — powered by the same Mercedes engine — promptly died on track. What about Antonelli’s unit in Imola? That wasn’t an engine failure. It was an act of mechanical seppuku.
Nevertheless, Wolff insists that their power unit is still a strength. Presumably in the same way that a forgotten kettlebell is a strength training tool.
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Barcelona: Slightly Less Painful Mediocrity
Was Barcelona a breakthrough? Not exactly. But Mercedes weren’t completely humiliated, and that now counts as a win.
“We didn’t catch up to McLaren,” said Wolff, with all the enthusiasm of someone admitting they didn’t drown.
“But it was better. Maybe we unlocked some potential, or maybe the track temperature was just low enough to stop us frying our rear axle.”
Mercedes had brought minimal updates — a new rear wing and a slightly refined underfloor — which, in today’s Formula 1, is the equivalent of showing up to a gunfight with a slightly longer stick. However, if the Barcelona data reveals anything useful, expect the next upgrade package to include an onboard fridge.
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2025: The McLaren Ice Age
Despite all their troubles, Wolff hasn’t given up hope. Not entirely.
“The championship is a McLaren number,'” he said, before immediately contradicting himself by pointing out that, in F1, things change fast — like tyres. Like tyres. In the sun.
He’s holding out for a miracle. An update. A blizzard. A freak snowstorm in Abu Dhabi. Anything.
Until then, Mercedes remains firmly stuck in the middle: too slow for glory, too confused to panic and too dependent on the weather for anything resembling consistency. So, don’t be surprised if, the next time you open your freezer, you find a Mercedes prototype undergoing testing amongst the frozen peas and last year’s lasagne.
Because Toto Wolff’s new plan to win in Formula 1 is simple: Race where the sun doesn’t shine.
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With over 30 years of experience in Formula 1 as an insider journalist, I have built trusted connections across the paddock, from race engineers and mechanics to senior team figures. At The Judge 13, I and a handful of trusted colleagues share exclusive Formula 1 news, expert analysis and behind-the-scenes stories you will not find in mainstream motorsport media.
