In the wake of the rumours about the Mercedes power unit and the subsequent decision to stick to skinny tyres for 2014 …….One of our Intrepid Correspondents accidentally fell asleep in the waste bin of a conference room (don’t ask) and awoke in the middle of a secret emergency tire meeting. The following transcript comes from a recording they made on their mobile.
Mercedes: OI!! You there, Pirelli! I’m looking at making 80-100 bhp more than you were thinking, spinning wheels going into 5th. You think Silverstone was bad, wait’ll you see what happens when we start shredding tires leaving pit lane. Might want to have a rethink on the dimensions of those rears to accommodate our Massive Power.
Pirelli (sighing): I suppose you have something other than overconfidence to back that up…
Merc: (Hands over sheaves of documents)
Ferrari and Renault (giggling): Hey Merc, what’s with always bragging your numbers are bigger. Size isn’t all that matters, you’ve got to finish too, big boy, otherwise what’s the point eh?
Pirelli: Actually, gents, hate to break it to you, but his is umm…bigger. Significantly. So big we need to change the size of the rears to keep the rubber from bursting under full thrust.
Merc (laughing): Hate to say I told you so but…
Teams (winging): But we’ll have to change everything. It’ll be sooooooo much work.
Pirelli (incredulous): But everyone with a Merc engine is giving up a huge advantage if we don’t redesign the tires!!!! Seriously??!!?? I’m looking at you McLaren, you need all the help you can get at this point.
Teams (still winging): Whaaaaaa!!!!! It’s too hard!! We were almost done!!!
Pirelli (stalking off): Jesus Effing Christ talk about the inmates running the asylum. Compared to you lot even Sharknado makes sense…
Todt (apparently there the whole time without saying a word): I, your FIA President, shall now be the Deciderator. And first I must say that Driver Safety is my foremost concern, and, I shall not let the prospect of kilogram sized chunks of rubber flying at the drivers in excess of 200 kilometers per hour, deter me from doing absolutely nothing about this so I can be properly re-elected as FIA President.
Merc: That’s it, I’m out.
Renault and Ferrari (howling with laughter): Good Luck with all that “POWER” next year, too bad you won’t be able to use it!!!
Disclaimer: Please note this is a fictional piece only and no one was hurt in the writing of it…