This just in from our Intrepid Correspondent… Apparently a partial transcript of the FIA safety meeting about pit stops has just been found, recklessly abandoned at the bottom of a refuse bin and so poorly shredded it has taken a team of 24 unpaid interns working round the clock whilst being fed a diet consisting solely of coffee and Adderall only several weeks to piece together the fragment below:
Todt (over general hubbub): Gentlemen, Gentleman, need I remind you I called this meeting to discuss the personnel safety issues raised by the loose wheel in the pit lane during the German GP. As your President, I insist we take such matters very seriously, especially during my reelection campaign.
Delegate 1: What did the report say?
Todt: That the loose wheel was caused by a poorly designed notification system that was meant to save hundredths of a second during the average pit stop. I am pleased to report that the FIA immediately fined Red Bull a meaningless amount of money that will in no way deter them from future risky behavior.
Assembled Delegates: Huzzah!
Delegate 2: Were there recommendations?
Todt: There were two. One, require all teams to run hub strain gauges to read proper torque before the car can engage a gear during a pit stop so it could never happen again, or Two, overreact dramatically. (Delegates talk amongst themselves)
Todt (cutting through chatter): All in favor of overreacting say Aye!
Passing Stranger: I say chaps, could you direct me to the nearest loo?
Todt: The Ayes have it! We shall overreact at once! (Dramatic Buzzing ensues)
Delegates (shouting simultaneously): Ban all pit lane reporting so as to wipe out an entire job category! Minimum 300 second stops so there are no strategic options for teams! No mechanics in pit lane, only trained monkeys in safety gear! Require the audience to watch from three miles away in concrete bunkers. Reduce pit lane speed limit to 10 kilometers an hour! Cover the whole car in bubble wrap! Team principals and race engineers must wear a HANS device and be strapped into their seats at all times!!
Todt: Brilliant Gentleman, brilliant. Now, let’s get them down in writing so the working committee can choose only the most outrageous and inconvenient rules to impose at the next race…….
(End of Transcript)