Zak (our US TV network producer who is living the dream with this project) tells a tall tale about how when ‘Cubby’ (Albert R. Broccoli) was not well enough to continue working, the studio were looking for a new producer to continue the Bond legacy. He was allegedly approached.

Yet at that time, Zak was too busy promoting his own ideas and was hawking a script of his around the various TV networks looking for someone to buy into his idea. It was a sitcom with the working title ‘Insomnia Cafe’.

He bombed with everyone he managed to get a meeting with, and drunk in a Manhattan bar he sold it on a promise to a guy called Kaufman. Waking up with a stinking hangover, there was a knock at his hotel door and there was his man – with the promised suitcase full of money for his scripts – $20k.

He realises the folks of the US of A have no idea what is real and what isn’t in F1 and so he can finally deliver the Bond-esque action he never got to produce.

Intriguingly, Matt LeBlanc is hanging around the studio – someone he had considered for a part in Insomnia Cafe, so he reads for Boullier.

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

F1 Days of our Lives

Brought to you by TJ13 Courtroom Drama and Gossip columnist: Mattpt55
Edited and revised by TJ13 Editor in Chief

Days of our F1 Lives:Season 1, Episode 5

Fade In

Deep in an Underground Bunker, with lots of Blinky lights and complicated looking machines, we see Ross Brawn idly inspecting the extremely high end cognac behind the bar. 

Horner is whispering about titanium parts and dodgy tyre marks with Newey who looks as though he hasn’t got a clue what Christian is on about.

Stefano Domenicali is shifting from foot to foo and Il Padrino (LdM) leans toward him and asks whether the fake 2011 bodywork has been disposed of properly. Stefano nods quickly, too many times to be comfortable.

In another corner we see the childhood friends, Mateschitz and Zetsche. The Red Bull marketing guru asks his old friend whether he did in the end win his village festival’s ‘largest moustache competition’ at the weekend. Zetsche nods dismissively. 

Le Presidente is noticeably stood alone. Well… err… in fact he isn’t noticed at all by anyone. They are all looking level ahead and he is way down below their line of sight. One or two do notice the smell of garlic.

Marco Tronchetti Provero and Paul Hembery fidget. They know the score – the contract is in their pocket for Infinity (or Infiniti – just can’t remember the difference) …. Anyway for ever to supply the F1  tyres and they just decided to demand another $50m….. the reason being…….because…. they can.

In the background, workers dressed like evil minions from a ‘60’s Bond Films go about their business.

Suddenly, a wall that appears to be just a wall, adorned with an oil painting depicting the battle of Waterloo – ceases to be so. The oil painting slides upward to reveal a large vault like door… which slowly begins to open. Everyone stops what they are doing and heads turn……

Enter Mr E.

Mr. E: Gentleman…Lady… I would like to thank you all for joining me this morning

All: (assorted grumbling and muttering of discontent)

Mr E: I promise you this will be short, but first do avail yourselves of the finest fares we have scoured from the four corners of the earth.

All: (still muttering, just less discontent. Ross Brawn gets himself a very expensive cognac, and Boullier greedily gobbles the caviar crackers on offer – remembering the sparse nature of his motorhome fridge. The minions have gathered and usher the guests to their seats around a large oval table).

Mr E: And now that we are settled, would you all be so kind as to open your envelopes.

All (much tearing of paper, followed by increasing discontent. Finally in an incredulous voice someone shouts): This is a bleedin’ script!!! (the room dissolves into chaos).

Mr E. (benevolently but firmly regaining control): Yes, Yes, you lot have all done very well on your own, but let’s face it it’s time for the pros to take over before you muck it all up.

All (various individuals shouting out): The tyres are a joke!! Cheating!! We were promised….

Mr. E: (Holds up his hand for quiet) Now, Now, hear me out. All you lot always complain about money, but the best way for you to get more money is for me to get more money. Ever since the tyre controversy we’re at the top of the sporting news bulletins everyday…Keep this up and our global audience will be the biggest ever.

(to Jean Todt) That was bloody brilliant scheduling froggie, the appeals will be right smack in the middle of our break, guaranteeing everyone would keep paying attention to F1 in fighting.

Todt (unable to restrain self): It’s nothing to do with that, you toady. Whiting is going to pay for letting Mercedes cheat the other teams.

Mr E.(soothingly): Still angry about Michelin  Jean?…No need to take it out on Charlie, he  just wants what’s best for the sport, same as the rest of us.

Todt: It’s Monsieur Todt to you

Mr E (closing in for the kill): Go on read then ….

Todt (reading script): Mercedes penalized 5 million Euros, stripped of Constructors points…. (apoplectic) How do you know the outcome?

Zetsche (interrupts): We quit

Mr E: Relax, Dieter, you come in for a cool payday in any event, plus it moves Marussia up to tenth, so I can pay them without losing face and they will stick around for Sochi, otherwise the Russians won’t play ball. Everybody wins. And the appeal will last all summer. Its simply glorious. Gentleman.. and lady, have you been watching this modern day reality TV? They have writers and producers but no unions. It’s perfect.

Boullier : oh, like American wrestling…

Mr E: have you see their numbers? Stick with me and your income will double by the end of the season. Let me introduce our director JJ Abrams, late of the Star Trek Franchise

Let me introduce our director JJ Abrams, late of the Star Trek Franchise

Boullier (played by Matt LeBlanc) Yeah man. That was a pretty cool movie

Mr E: It’s just the tip of the iceberg we’re going to have pregnant girlfriends fights between drivers oh, and get this, I’ve decided fake rain isn’t nearly good enough, now we’re going to have explosions.

Minions (all together): Oooooooooh.

Mr E (clearly on a roll): And get this we are going to introduce jokers, like in cards, but not like froggie here. Each race, one of the top 3 teams will get a set of tires that will last half a long as they should, but another team will get a set that will last twice as long as they should. Randomly assigned at each race, you won’t know until you put them on the car!

Guests are shell shocked. Minions begin an umpa lumpa type chant: Long – live – Mr E…… Long – Live – Mr E.

Mr. E: Thank you minions, I may be 82, but that matters is in hand aswell.

(as the general malaise continues, an insistent chime cuts through. Cut to black, and we hear a stylish feminine voice, possibly recorded or robotic )

Feminine Voice: Calling Mr. E…. Calling Mr. E….

(POV camera opens on a clock reading 6:45, date of 20 June, 2013 – the International Tribunal awaits)

To Be Continued