Day 12 #F1 2015 Winter Testing: Barcelona, Morning Report


Circuit de Catalunya

Hello and welcome everybody to TJ13a coverage of the final day of F1 pre-season testing. Today’s action will be covered by the Fat Hippo and Matt Trumpets again.

green Green Flag!

Red Bull are being ridiculous again. They’ve switched to a different garage to bluff the photographers. The only thing we could make out was that the back end got even tighter. Note to Red Bull: If you don’t want people to know what you changed, don’t mark the spot with bright green Floviz paint.

Force India are in dire straights and Andy Green is quite open about it. He says that they are low on spares, so if the wrong part breaks it will be an early end of the day for Checo. It looks like after the attempted necromancer job on Marussia and the resulting shitstorm they don’t even try to keep up appearances anymore.

Vettel goes out with what looks like a revised nose and I think a different front wing as well. He marks a 1:29 lap on soft tyres, but Rosberg is having none of that and does a 1:27 on the winter tyre. It looks as if Merc are not willing to tolerate any gods beside themselves. However, their massive mileage is coming round to bite Merc in the derriere. Word is they went through most of their tyre contingent already.

Meanwhile Rosberg has raised the bar to a 1.25,492. Normally we don’t see such times so early in the session. God knows what they’re up to, but I get the feeling that we’ll be taught a lesson in ‘deal with it’ today. We won’t see any times on super softs as Merc didn’t order those, but as Rosberg proved two days ago, they are well able to demoralize the opposition on soft tyres just as well.

The Ferrari has two lights near the diffusor. Since it is a wee bit early to pose as a christmas tree, some sort of measirung run seems to be going on.

LØL. Do you know where Arvidsjaur is? Apparently it’s a town at the arse-end of Sweden. That’s where Rosberg is headed tomorrow for a sponsorship event, accompanied by Mika Häkkinen, Toto and his lovely wife Susie. You just gotta love corporate obligations.

Maldonado finishes his sixth lap, but hasn’t posted a time yet as everytime he’s driving through the pitlane instead of crossing the line on track.

The AMuS boys next door have been quite quick with pictures most of the days, so we’re waiting until they have some snaps of the weird light show on the butt of Vettel’s Ferrari. Rosberg has found some medium tyres at the back of the garage and misses his best time by a mere 0.014.

Here’s ‘Our shit is broken’ in Ronspeak:

Vettel goes out without disco-lights and posts a 1.28,805 on medium tyres. Quite a catholic pace from everyone except Rosberg so far.


Having ended up at the bottom of the pile yesterday, Danny RIC positions himself a bit more prominent in 2nd place with a 1:26.587 on winter prototype tyres.

When a German is chased by a Dutchman it normally means the Teutone has weed in the pocket, but as young Max chases Seb’s vehicle, we are sure that isn’t the case. Little Max isn’t old enough yet to know what weed is.

Force India might be strapped for parts, but they’re certainly not short of flowviz paint. That VJM7.5 looks like there’s been a veritable bukkake session going on in the FI garage.

Rosberg comes back out again on winter prototype tyres. We’ve investigated and found out that Merc have chewed through their entire supply of soft tyres and most of the mediums. That means there won’t be another shocker today. Merc made their point two days ago.

There’s been a short red flag period as Danny RIC’s Camo Bull croaked at the end of the pitlane, but the session resumes after less than ten minutes. Back out on track Vettel cracks the 1:26s on medium tyres. Alonso must be utterly devastated. Just as he left the Ferrari looks much better than what they offered last year. When it comes to being at the wrong team at any time, he surely can mix it with Jean Alesi and Chris Amon.

Bottas demotes the stricken Camo Bull to third with a 1:26.440, while Merc have found another set of mediums and Rosberg does stable 1:26 laps.

I’m really starting to like Mauricio Arrivabene. When news broke yesterday that Bernie plans to reduce the number of paddock passes for Melbourne, the Ferrari boss tried what it is like to watch the action from the other side of the fence, grabbed test driver Guttierrez and headed for the grandstand sendíng the fans into hyperventilation mode. “This could be a way to get closer to the fans,” the Italian remarked drily, but he’s well aware that the toad from Suffolk doesn’t suffer mingling with the plebs lightly. “I’m expecting to be called by Bernie,” Mauricio says, aware of his fate.

Meanwhile it’s another clusterfuck in the Mclaren garage. They still have a big phat zero next to their name. How in the name of all that’s holy do you get it wrong like that?? They wanted to run a race simulation today. The only thing they simulated so far is the Thursday before the race…

Vettel and Perez are back out on mediums. Nobody seems to be interested in serious lap times so far.


The Mclaren fans seem to become quite fed up with their team’s ineptitude. The twittersphere would make a trucker blush.

Thanks to the boys of Auto Motor und Sport we have a picture of the Fezza with disco lights…Sebastian-Vettel-Ferrari-Formel-1-Test-Barcelona-1-Maerz-2015-fotoshowImage-8ae9370c-847091

Jeez, even the live-timing is broken today. When the system boots up again, we see Valteri Bottas on top with a 1:25.099 on winter prototypes. Merc doesn’t seem to be the only team that has gone through all their ‘normal’ tyres.

Fezza have some mediums left and Vettel orbits the track with times that the Hippo describes as: meh… 1:26s for the German.

Two and a half hour gone and McHonda are still ‘checking systems’. Jenson must feel like being in the midst of a cruel prank by now. Should have retired and gone to race Porsches at LeMans, pal. At least they’re not perpetually broken.

Track conditions look good, but for some reason times are utterly mediocre today. My pet theory is that teams run high on fuel.

Mauricio Arrivabene chalks up the winter tests as a success, but despite seeing Merc’s massive advantage he sees the team’s future in the drivers: We have two polar opposites. One barely talks, the other talks a lot.” MA admits that Kimi is a wee bit enigmnatic. Sometimes you talk to him and he just walks away being silent. At some point he comes back and wants to talk to you when you already thought that’s been it.” The convo with Seb apparently is a multi-language affair. “I ask him something in English and he responds in Italian. Seb is a true ferrari fanboy. He’s already 120% part of the family.

Mauricio’s unique approach to algebra notwithstanding, the action on track continues and valteri lays down a 1:23.063 on supersoft tyres, still 0.4 off what Rosberg did with soft tyres, without DRS and his finger up his nose…

NC17-alert. Here’s the jizzed upon Force India…

We’re hearing that Sauber plans to run a quali sim before lunch and race simulations after feeding.


Is this some kind of ritual or something? Everyday at 12pm the action dries up. The track is empty.

BOOM. Felipe Nasr puts his Sauber in 2nd with a 1:24.852 on soft tyres.

Perez, Maldonado and Rosberg join Nasr on track. Peresz posts a 1:26 on mediums. Rosberg beats that by more than a second on the same compound.

The action has died down again. Rosberg orbits the track in the 1:27s, not even breaking a sweat. Nobody else can be bothered. They’re all in the pits.

Ba-dum-tsss. Ferrari is out on supersofts, but Vettel comes short 0.2s of Räikkönens time of yesterday and 0.4 off the fastest time of the day. You’ll have to do better than that, pal…

Perez does a 1:25 on supersofts and local wildlife is heard cackling…

Well, knock me over with a feather – there’s a McLaren on the track. Only 3:55 hours after the session started. Not bad, lads, not bad!

Vettel narrowly misses out on improving his best time while Button completes his second lap and nothing has exploded in his face so far.

checkered There’s the table cloth!!

That’s it for the first session – Merc-powered teams have been the flavour of the day and McLaren have been shambolic as always, so normal business has been resumed. We will meet you in an hour when the last 4 hours of this year’s pre-season testing take off.

1. Bottas Williams 1:23.063m
2. Vettel Ferrari 1:23.469m
3. Nasr Sauber 1:24.023m
4. Perez Force India 1:25.113m
5. Rosberg Mercedes 1:25.186m
6. Verstappen Toro Rosso 1:26.267m
7. Ricciardo Red Bull 1:26.587m
8. Maldonado Lotus 1:28.272m

32 responses to “Day 12 #F1 2015 Winter Testing: Barcelona, Morning Report

  1. Which commentator wrote the Force India had some much flow-viz on it, it looks like a ‘bukkaka’ session has taken place?

    Cos that is the shit that makes the take of this site great!
    I think I was hippo 😆

  2. I’ve often thought to myself that the literary standards of this site, it’s principle writers and comentators is somewhat, juvenile… HOWEVER…

    Having just had to explain to a 12 year old and a 10 year old that acts, references to, and language about such things is NOT acceptable, as well as calm my wife down – very upset – you’ve now lost my readership.

    I realise that verbalising disdain and protest in public can be viewed as childish in itself, but fuck it… this is a public site that openly discusses how to, and the need to engage with younger fans…. even promoting such via publishing colums by younger members!

    Is this sort of disrespectful language really what you people use in front of your own children? I guessed as much…

    • First of all, Mr. G. There’s a good chance that your 12 year old knows more about intimate contact than you. And if she acquired that knowledge away from home, you are a monumental failure as a parent. You should have educated them about the birds and the bees at that age. The rigid stick up your arse is quite the hint. Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last 20 years, you should know that kids don’t become thugs because someone said ‘shit’. And second – this isn’t the children’s channel. It’s a bunch of grown men (and a few women too) talking about F1. So take your indignation elsewhere. Thanks.

    • You are the children’s farther and it is for you to screen and monitor what content they view on the internet. so if you can’t be bothered with censoring you children’s net use, then you sir need to take the blame squarely on your shoulders. You know this site is on the edge so you should be reading through and checking all content.

      Let them watch the SKY feed if you want boring generic quotes and tweets.

      Take responsibility man! They are your children and you failed to protect them knowing full well bad language and inappropriate insinuations are the norm on TJ13.

      I’ll remove my tongue from my cheek now and finish laughing at your above post…..

    • Complaining over things they write and then go on an saying “fuck it.” Yourself. Priceless.

        • The cat was well out the bag by that point…. So much so in fact that it had been caught in a room full of fat sweaty German blokes, flinging their muck all over someone….

          ahh… penny drops on the hippos defensive posturing

    • I absolutely agree with you. Even though I admit that sometimes I indulge myself in… obscene references, I make a big effort to keep it subtle.

      However, check some articles, some live commentary and some podcasts, and first thing you’ll notice is the amount of excrements (bovine or otherwise), shit, fuck, beep, beep, beep, yet another beep, penile extensions, bukkake and what have you, all flying and floating around. In good measure and in select circumstances this can be fine, but overuse it, and you shall hit soon enough disgruntled users like @G. The more TJ13 exits the underground bunkers and steps into the limelight, the more general public unhappy with this state of affairs it shall meet.

      As I said recently, this is more than anything… sad, as it distracts from and devalues the hard, serious work that goes into all the TJ13 content. In some respects, TJ13 makes “professional” publications like Autosport blush, if not put them to shame. Yet if TJ13 is to hit the highroads and become more than just a side project for a bunch of blokes scattered across the globe, some serious thought will need to be put into writing standards…

      • Why would it? This is a sign that it’s written by normal, honest guys. Not those uptight, stuck up journalists who think they are better than everyone else.

        • “Not those uptight, stuck up journalists who think they are better than everyone else.”

          What about those loose, sticking up normal guys (and gals?) who think they are better than everyone else? 🙂

          Anyways… What I tried to convey was that if TJ13 strove to reporting as if “talk[ing] to each other the way we would if sitting in a pub”, between farting and drinking a beer, then this shall limit the audience to which TJ13 can reasonably appeal to. And that’s fine, if this is what TJ13 wants…

          However in that case TJ13 shouldn’t be hoping to attract other than those who would be “talk[ing] to each other the way we would if sitting in a pub”, between farting and drinking a beer… (BTW, not everyone goes to a pub in this world.) And it shouldn’t raise loud banners to the effect of “we want to attract other, young audiences to the F1 show”, or jump in joy when families can bring children of all ages to enjoy the F1 show given these new, non-ear-shattering power units, while at the same time considering perfectly normal and appropriate for all ages the omnipresent disrespectful (and sometimes obscene) language. Cognitive dissonance springs to mind.

          As a thought experiment, I remember Spanners wouldn’t bring his daughter to a pub… Would he have his daughter listen to one of his podcasts, or read all these penile bukkake excrement references? Hmm…

          • I talked to Matt’s daughter last night and to Spanners’ wife. neither of them is traumatized as far as I know. We aren’t a bunch of redneck’s having a farting contest. But we are a buch of normal guys saying shit or fuck occasionally. Deal with it.

          • So its ok for a tarantino movie to swear a lot but it isn’t for the judge’s associates?

      • Have you ever listened to children from 5 years or older – without them knowing you were there?

        The expletives fly around, just as with adults.

        It’s only words. I know there are people who can be driven to murder by a few lines on paper, but that’s their problem. One of the biggest websites in the Netherlands is geenstijl, a blog written in fairly the same way as TJ13. Lots of people are offended, but even they check out the site on a regular basis, because their facts stand. So I think it isn’t a problem, but rather an Unique Selling Point!

    • What’s confusing me is how the wife and kids saw it? Does everyone browse together? If you are politically correct (or in that environment), it’s probably best to stick to vanilla sites. But I’m only 25 – kids are miles off – so I can appreciate if things change when you start a family.

      Is it childish to complain? Surely it’s better to say what you really think than to be a prude? I think those who hide themselves away from the realities of the world are the childish ones personally. As for sexual repression… see 70s kids entertainers and what is being revealed 40 years later.

      I’m a realist. When your dad gets held hostage by Saddam Hussein, maybe you have to be! Now, who flew the passenger plane into a warzone? Oh yes, the British PM. Lovely lady. Why not use it to send in some MI5? It’s only X amount of civilian lives you are handing over!

      In my case, working for the UN meant he was let go with the women and children, one of whom was paraded on TV as a defense shield meeting the dictator. Aren’t I so #blessed? So, I do have a sister.. who has fought in Afghanistan. Another western cock-up, 200 years in the making.. and we wonder why ISIS are so angry?! By god, ‘these people are monsters’.

      • “Kakeru in this context means to shower or pour. The word bukkake is often used in Japanese to describe pouring out water with sufficient momentum to cause splashing or spilling. Indeed, bukkake is used in Japan to describe a type of dish where hot broth is poured over noodles, as in bukkake udon and bukkake soba.” Or use this part instead. Love me some yaki soba!

  3. Seriously?

    Am all up on moderating web content of ones children… BUT an f1 site, nomatter how “edgy” it considers itself, is not the place that you’d expect to have to deal with this sort of thing…, and your attitude stinks by the way… Maybe it’s all the wallowing in shit and mud

    • Listen dude. I’m not sure what you’re up to. This is an F1 site. And we talk to each other the way we would if sitting in a pub. We take the piss out of each other occasionally and generally make fun of the F1 society. We’ve been around since 2012. Suddenly, in 2015, you notice we use a swear word one in a while?
      Let me put it that way. It’s not our fault that your wife refused sex last night – don’t take it out on us, mkay? We can’t help you with that.

      • Actually I found the style of reporting refreshing and entertaining. Maybe you have a career ahead of you as a comedy writer. Keep up the good work. Reading what you wrote made me laugh a lot, and we all need some humour in our lives, especially the way the world is today. 😀

  4. So all this agro over the Hippo’s use of the word ‘bukkake’?…

    So what if he had used words such as:
    Cream pie
    Gang bang….

    Damn people get a grip, it’s just humour, learn to laugh and live a little, not everything has to be PC or rated U.

    • “…not everything has to be PC or rated U.”

      Perhaps you’ve touched upon the solution for this little site…

      What should be its declared rating?

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