We appear to have found a crumpled manuscript, cast asunder by someone who was clearly hoping to write a hit soap opera – but failed miserably… dunno, what do you lot think?

F1 Days of our Lives

Brought to you by TJ13 Courtroom Drama and Gossip columnist: Mattpt55
Edited and revised (not a lot though) by TJ13 Editor in Chief

Season 1, Episode 1

Cut to the interior of the Red Bull Motor Home, hours after the conclusion of the Monaco GP , with Christian Horner, Sebastian Vettel, and Rocky Rocquelaine. No one looks Happy.

Horner: (furious)….and how dare you disobey me again. I thought we’d talked about this..

Vettel: What-ev-aaar….. Can I go now.

Rocky: (in a clipped accent with crackles in between each sentence) You need to listen to Mama Horner now, young Seb…. You could’ve thrown away valuable points…. If you want another championship, you’d better start following orders…

Vettel (rolls eyes and bangs his fist on the table): You and Mama hate me! You never let me do anything! Mark always hits me when you’re not looking and you never do anything about it.

Horner: That’s IT!! This is about you and your behavior, and not about your brother. I am sick of your insolent attitude, young Seb. Let’s see how bored you are when we send you off to school at Marussia or Caterham next year.

Vettel (wide eyed): Papa would never do that to me! (Jumps up and stomps away) I’m going to watch TV!

Horner: (Hands on hips) Fine, go to your room and wait till Papa Marko gets home. He can deal with you. But till then no yacht parties or skinny dipping, and you can take your towel off the sun bed on the roof so that someone else can use it for a change. Now give me your car keys….

Vettel: I’m not giving you my keys!!!! Papa gave me this car not you. You’re not my boss!!!

Exit Left – Vettel stomping angrily off to his room

Horner (wincing): And don’t slam…..

Vettel slams door. Optics shake on the bar and the Red Bull shot glasses jostle each other in their rack.

Immediately the sounds of incredibly loud Viennese Music fills the Motorhome… Radetzky March Op.228… to be precise

Suddenly the Front Door Opens

Papa Marko (a cross between Jackie Gleason on the Honeymooners and Jack Nicholson in the Shining): I’m Hooooome!

Horner (dashes toward him and in a dying-duck-in-a-thunderstorm kind of dramatic manner announces): I’m so glad you’re here. (Hands him a Red Bull) It’s your special formulation from Dieter, at the exact temperature you prescribed. I’ll have dinner on the table in half an hour, your favourite too, Helmut.

Papa Marko: Why can I hear loud music blaring away?…. Where is young Seb? And why is Uncle Rocky here?

Horner (emotional): Oh Helmut … young Seb was awful today in the race. Lewis was mean to him but the stewards did nothing, so he couldn’t get to first place like he always does and then…and then… (choked backed sobs)

Rocky: (crackling hiss) … and then he went for fastest lap three times in a row … after I told him not to … so now he’s in his room, pouting….

Papa Marko (colour rising in his visage like red wine being poured into a glass … veins in his forehead bulging dangerously … turns and shouts at Horner): I will deal with the boy, but this is all your fault!!! I give you one simple thing to do and what happens?

(For added horrific effect, Marko removes his patch to reveal no glass eye in place) … and I’ll tell you what happened; you spoiled him rotten, pandered to his every whim, now look where it’s gotten us. An out-of-control boy, who is a danger to our whole business. No more!!! From now on I will deal with him MY way and if he doesn’t like it, then he’s out of the house. And you … you … are worthless!!!!

(stomps into Vettel’s room, music ceases immediately)

Papa Marko (emerges with a starter machine with a computer on wheels attacged. Dangling from the handle is a plastic fob with a picture of Michael Schumacher inside): I’m going out. Seb is grounded. Do not let him out of the house, for any reason. I will deal with you when I get back. I’m going to have a chat with Grandpa Dieter.

Horner (openly weeping now, his quiff a mess as he rubs his hands back and forth through his hair in despair): But what about Dinner? I made your favourite….?

Papa Marko (spits back): Throw it out. I’m going out and I may be some time … I may not be back tonight.

Marko exits through the front door, Horner’s legs crumple and he collapses to the floor in floods of tears

Rocky clicks and hisses, but otherwise silently pours himself and Horner a rather large drink.

Cut to interior Mercedes Motor Home.

Ross Brawn picks up newspaper with the headline… “MICHELIN” plainly visible.

Suddenly the phone rings. He answers……

To Be Continued…