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A communique emerges from the bunker 

Red Bull have issued a statement rebutting Flavio Briattore’s claims that team boss Horner is weak and Webber will leave ‘for sure’ at the end of this year. “We are two races into the current season and it’s far too early to be talking about 2014. Mark and Seb have driven together since 2009 and the pairing has achieved 35 wins, 80 podiums, 13 one-two finishes and six Formula 1 world championships.

This successful period includes some spells of intense on-track rivalry between the two drivers, which began in Turkey 2010 and has seen both drivers ignoring team orders at different times.The team has managed the situation each time in its own way behind closed doors.

It’s pure speculation that Mark will not drive with the team in 2014.Mark’s contract has been renewed for the last few years on an annual basis – he has continually chosen to drive for the team each year and the team has similarly wanted to continue working with him, as he is an excellent driver and a competitive racer”.

Flavio said mischievously, “Christian didn’t even have the strength to get on the podium because they’re terrified with a driver in charge instead of the team manager. Sepang was proof no-one is in charge at Red Bull. Vettel is the boss there. You can’t have a team manager also doing the driving”.

The Red Bull statement refutes this, “It is one person’s opinion that the team principal must go to the podium for the team’s first win of the year. Christian has not previously always attended the first win podium and Lotus also did not send their team principal to the podium in Australia – so this is irrelevant.

A ‘weak’ team principal would be unable to steer a team to three consecutive world championships and oversee and manage the extensive teamwork that goes into this achievement – while managing two talented racers.This feat has only ever been achieved by four teams in the entire history of the sport”.

I feel as though I was a fly on the wall in Christian’s office when the ‘coping’ strategy was discussed. As predicted, no sanction for Vettel and the party line is they are both naughty boys at times – “both drivers ignoring team orders at different times”.

So next it will be Vettel talking about not being sorry for the win because it was ‘another one for the team’ and how difficult it is to listen to codes and drive an F1 car slowly at the same time. Most likely to the German media. My crystal ball is hot at the moment.

Lewis has ‘seen the light’

The light of an Angel with whom he has been in regular contact. Angel is in fact a singer/songwriter/producer Angel – who has collaborated with the like of Rihanna, Dizzee Rascal, Professor Green and Frank Ocean in the past and it is rumoured he and Nicole have been co-writing for F1 star Hamitlon.

The mind boggles. I can hear …“bounce on me baby baby yeah yeah, only you do it to me baby baby yeah yeah” somewhere in the ethereal realm……………………….. mmmm. err… sorry the mind just wandered off for a moment.

Angel told The Sun newspaper that Hamilton’s songs are “off the hook” and hopes that he decides to share them with the world. “He sounds better than certain singers. He’s a proper singer. It’s a breath of fresh air. He’s got a smooth vocal,” said Angel.

“I hope (he does release them) because it’s actually crazy. Right now he’s just recording. He’s a perfectionist. He doesn’t want to rush. If it doesn’t sound right, he’ll record it again. It’s a real diversity. He’s got rap — “dirty south” kind of tunes, some massive pop records and soul records. We’re doing all types of genres. We’ve written about 12 songs so far.”

I don’t know about TJ13 readers, but if Lewis is doing requests – I’d love to hear him do a bit of Nessun Dorma and if Lewis feels that’s been done before then how about something rousing from Tosca or Carmen? Angel also explained how the unique collaboration with the former world champion came about.

“I was chilling in a restaurant and he was in the studio opposite. My manager got an email saying he’d been referred to us after hearing I did vocal production. We left the restaurant and went straight over and the day after we started working together.”

When asked about Shirlifters contribution and opinions on this, Angel pulled down the brim of his

“She respects what he does, supports him and lets him do what he wants to do. She doesn’t get involved,” according to Angel who appeared to have this line rather neatly packaged and ready to go.

Webber ‘won’t leave’ Red Bull : from sniffpetrol (warning offensive material)

“Earlier this week the German press carried claims that Mark Webber would definitely leave Red Bull at the end of this season. Today, however, a stronger rumour emerged suggesting that the Australian driver will do the exact opposite and flat refuse to leave the team, even if they want him to.

‘Mark’s not bloody going anywhere,’ said a source close to the F1 star. ‘Whether they bloody like it or not, he’ll be there in 2014, leaving all the lights on in the pit, knocking over piles of tyres, releasing a brown shark into the motorhome shitter and then not flushing. Oh yea, Red Bull are gonna be stuck with him all season.’

Our inside man claims that Webber has already dreamt up several other disruptions such as holding a powerful magnet near Adrian Newey’s brain until key items of data are wiped, leaving a land mine on the pit wall, just under Christian Horner’s jiggly foot and giving interviews in which he describes the Red Bull drink as ‘robot piss’.

F1 pundits have already noted that this scheme will come to nothing if Webber’s seat is given to another driver but our source claims the Aussie racer has already thought of that; ‘If some other bloody idiot gets the drive, Mark will just bring his own car,’ our mole revealed. ‘Truth is, he’s been nicking bits for bloody years. All he needs to do is stick ‘em all together and he’s got an RB6/7/8/9 of his own. It won’t win races but trust me, it’ll be bloody good at ‘accidentally’ crashing into Sebastian Vettel.’”

TJ13 wonders that now Ecclestone is obsessed with ‘the show’ could it be his interest in buying a team is to level the playing field and take the advantage from the uber spending Red Bull? He will employ Webber to ‘target’ Vettel and Red Bull during the races, whilst ensuring Charlie and his gang are tied up and gagged on matters of team ‘Ecclestone Racing’ etiquette.

Pirelli – no change in tyre compound

Prior to the surprising Red Bull 1-2 in Sepand, Marko had been carping on about the Pirelli tyres punishing the best designed down force car i.e. theirs. In a strange association of sworn enemies, Lauda too joined the call for a change in the 2013 specifications.

Marko claimed on Saturday that Pirelli had promised him they would make changes, “I think Pirelli has realised (the situation) and we have been promised that other compounds will come to Bahrain at the latest,” Helmut claimed.

In a sweet ironic twist of fate conjured up by the capricious F1 gods, it was Red Bull and Mercedes who like Noah’s animals lined up 2 by 2 in the top 4 finishing positions. Marko’s claim was surprising because for Pirelli to change the tyres on any grounds other than safety would require the unanimous agreement of the teams.
Germany’s Auto Motor und Sport are reporting that Lotus and Ferrari would veto such a move anyway. In another strange but true ethereal burst of logic over passion, Stefano Domenicali is quoted as saying: “Pirelli cannot change something without the agreement of the teams unless there is an imminent safety risk.

“It makes no sense to panic after two races,” he added.

Panic? Visions of an incandescent Alonso in Korea storming around the high class bordello that is the Ferrari hospitality home, shaking his fist at Pat Fry –  in which is held the latest  IPhone mobile phone with a small Ferrari emblem printed in the corner – threatening to tweet to the world, still live in my memory.

However, in this topsy turvy world that is 2013 F1, I quite like this steady – under the radar – Ferrari. Yet as sure as day follows night they surely cannot keep up this measure of control for long, can they?

This is why there should be no team orders – new footage

Subscribe to thejudge13 TV because we are putting video’s up there regularly that don’t make the posts

Williams FW35 in serious trouble

TJ13 noted in January that rarely have a team not taken their new season’s car to the first test and it ends in anything other than tears. Reports are emerging that the Grove based team could revert to the exhaust of its 2012 Formula One car, after struggling for pace and handling with the new FW35 so far this season.

The car has indeed been woeful so far.

Mike Coughlan believes the main problem has been the ‘Coanda’ aerodynamic exhaust principle, which they are using for the first time in 2013. “We need to go away and get a more consistent platform for the driver”. “We’re of the opinion at the moment that a FW34 type of car would be faster,” said Coughlan.

“I don’t think we’ll go back to an FW34, but we might go back to an FW34 style of exhaust system and treat Fridays as tests across cars.”

Petrov determined to return to F1

Having left Formula 1 for the 2013, due to a lack of sponsorship Vitaly Petrov believes he will fid the necessary backing to return to the grid in 2014.

Speaking to F1news.ru, Vitaly says “I will control my own future, sorting out who will work with me and for whom I will be working next year. There will be some changes. I don’t want to talk about it now, but in the near future it will all become clear.”

The inference is clear, having split with former manager, Oksana Kosachenko, Petrov believes he has a better chance of finding the sponorship he requires to claim a drive in F1 for 2014 – the year of the inaugural Russian GP.

In an ironic twist, Kosachenko since ditching Vitaly has been appointed commercial director of Caterham – with responsibility for finding new sponsors for the team. Frying pan – fire?

Caption Competition: Can you do better – answers below.

An explanation from Red Bull: As I’ve predicted, Sebastian will tell us that he was very busy driving the car flat out -well not really because they thought the tyres would blow if he did that – so lets say pretty fast, and that is why he heard ‘multi21’ but his brain was so busy he couldn’t compute it’s meaning.

TJ13 has offers the team another explanation for why ‘multi 21’ was misunderstood. Pr taken ior to the race, Mr. Bean was seen lurking in the paddock and quite clearly he had hi-jacked Rocky and must have taken his place on the pit wall.